“Hello Darkness, My Old Friend”

Depression is insidious. At least when I’m having an anxiety attack, I have decent odds of bringing myself back to reality. I do some deep breathing, go for a walk, reach out to someone, make a joke, or even just accept the anxiety is there and just keep on doing what I’m doing. Something. Anything.

When the depression hits, I feel completely defeated. I “simply” have to wait it out and remind myself my medication keeps me from feeling even worse. It’s impossible for me to be productive in those depressive periods. It’s hard to relate to people because I’m so flat and just hearing myself talk makes me feel worse.

When I *am* able to break through a layer of depression, I often feel much worse first. I will sometimes play a song that suddenly resonates with how I am feeling but then I start sobbing and feel incredibly sad. “Well at least I’m feeling something more tangible,” I say as the suicidal ideation takes over.

I tried to write this last night but of course was too depressed to do so. I am trying to do new things when I feel this way so I don’t return to maladaptive coping mechanisms. I’m choosing sublimation over self-destruction these days and that gives me some hope.

Thanks for reading.