Into The Deep

Suddenly, like a car turning right on red without stopping and almost running you over, I feel the icy coldness of the darkness of depression arrive and immediately flow through my entire body like the violent cosmic expansion of the universe after the Big Bang. Rather than fight the tsunami woe that has overtaken me, I lie back on my couch and let it seep into every element of my physical and metaphysical being. I feel the weight of the dark begin to crush my eyes for daring to be open and I notice the way my eyelids want to give in and close and no longer fight the pain. Rather than give in completely to the sadness I am feeling, I think about how strange it is that this feeling can arrive from nowhere and everywhere at once. What caused this? Trauma? Genes? Papers about behavior genetics and the role of socioeconomic status in mood disorders will do me no good as I think about how meaningless it all currently feel. In the midst of a pandemic, my wife and I are fully vaccinated, my son has just received his first shot, house over our heads etc., yet I feel completely empty and alone in this current state.